Boundaries…Have You Found Your Voice?

Boundaries are important. Find your voice and be sure that you follow through.

My voice is my own. No one else sounds like me. I am the source.

My thoughts are my own. If I choose to share them, they’re still mine. I am the source.

My opinions are my own. If I choose to share those as well, they’re still mine. I am the source.

I choose my own fate. I choose to allow someone to speak for me, or not. I choose to allow representation of myself, no matter the intentions of someone choosing to give action or thought on my behalf.

Therefore, in all rights, rhyme and reason, it is also my responsibility to set the boundaries of when it is appropriate or not to speak, act or otherwise on my behalf.

This post is not about ownership, but rather, about acknowledgement of the source and respect of such. Boundaries that create a sanctuary that is your life. Not to say that you’ll never be uncomfortable, but you have the right to choose to stay in a situation or leave, at any given moment.

Setting boundaries is about choice, both your own and whomever is taking it upon themselves to step over the boundaries, whether openly set or implied. If someone offends you or speaks on your behalf in a way that you are not comfortable with then it is necessary to reinforce the boundaries related to the matter.

Boundaries are lost in this society and while placing blame would normally be the course of action, I would rather not. Instead, I would rather focus on the self of the situation because ultimately that is all that I have control over.

I have never been very good at setting boundaries because as a young person I was never taught to set boundaries and the examples around me were meager to say the least. This does not fall on my mother or lack of father presence; however, it does ultimately fall on me, because with all of the research that I have done over the years and in all of the counseling that I have given, and experience I’ve gained… it would seem that I would know the proper steps to take in order to set, enforce and even reinforce boundaries when and if necessary for myself before anyone else. This is not truth. It has taken me much too long, so I am sharing this with you so that you have the ability to teach yourself and recognize the pitfalls of being without enforced boundries.

Primary boundaries, as I call them, are ones that are understood and do not need to be explained. Such boundaries include, but are not limited to, manners, respect, tact and presentation. It’s the secondary boundaries that I am limited in and specifically in reinforcement. I can speak all day long about what I like and what I don’t like; however, with people who are as strong-willed as myself, it is more difficult because these are also the people who are closest to me. I can teach the boundaries in my sleep….

Step One: Set the boundary.
Step Two: Enforce the boundary.
Step Three: Reinforce the boundary if and when necessary.

Consequences are my downfall.  I am such an understanding person that when situations arise I am always the one that finds a solution to the situations. This prevents me from actually “feeling” anything at the present moment that a specific situation is presented because I automatically move into “solve” mode. In having the uncanny ability to stand on an unbiased line and see things, literally, from every possible angle it disables my ability to feel the situation and how it may affect me in the bigger scheme of things….until later, that is.

My ability to mold is like that of a chameleon. I, therefore, have the ability to say, “It’s ok.”, and move on about my business. While this is a great attribute to possess in the moment of mediation in less than favorable conditions with a job or when dealing with other people who are faced with controversy, it is not a great attribute to possess when it’s difficult to be vocal about your own boundaries.

It isn’t until the wee hours of the morning that I realize what I should have said, or could have said to nip it in the bud right then and there. It has been this newfound realization and through counseling more people on this subject, as of late, that I have been able to teach myself and actually follow through. In essence, the voice that is mine, has become vocalized in the moment instead of after the fact.

Take some time for yourself and find your voice. Check your body language and ensure that it lines up with your words as you speak them. Most people go through this at a young age, but it’s never too early to get in the mirror and watch your facial expressions and stance are in alignment. You might feel crazy, but trust me when I tell you it works!

Leave comments below, I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Remember to click the ‘Follow’ link to the right and share, share share! If not for yourself, then perhaps for someone you know that may need these words. If you have questions or comments that you do not want to post in the comments section then please visit ‘Karma’s Corner’ on the right side of the page and send me an email. I will reply within 24 hours.

Lots of love everyone, of self and those deserving around you.

Until next time, adieu.

Your Children Do Not Come First…

Your child/ren do not come first, nor your parents, or friends. Your spouse comes first. Always!

So, yesterday I shared this post. This is from a page from a woman who has been a relationship counselor for many years. I, too, have been counseling for many years, and while I am sure that she has been counseling longer, I was thankful to see this post. I have been living this for many years and giving it to couples that I have counseled as well.

In the event that you feel offended by this because you feel that, “children and their needs should always come first.” I have no doubt that you should not only continue reading, but I also would encourage you to be open-minded before passing judgement because you may well learn something.

I feel the incessant need to elaborate.

In counseling over the years I have seen that with couples that have children, the children can often be a deal breaker. Especially if each parent was raised differently and feel strongly about this or that when it comes to raising and disciplining the children. Understand that I am in no way, shape or form, saying that your children should be neglected. Instead, it is a situation where it is understood that your children’s needs should be met regardless of the situations going on in life. Let that be clear. That is the responsiblity that comes with having children. Period. However; it seems that the focal point is lost in relationships and marriages where children become the main focus. What people fail to realize is when the children are put first instead of each other, the children will lack in the end regardless.

Your children are only yours for a season, they will only be with you for a season. Our job as parents is to guide them, teach them and provide them with the basic necessities such as love, food, shelter, clothing. Undoubtedly, but beyond that it is our responsibility to teach them and, more importantly, be the example for them to become productive members of society and provide the example of what it takes to build healthy relationships and how to protect and maintain them. This task cannot be completed if your own relationship is lacking and broken due to not putting your significant other or spouse first.

When your children grow and their time with you is over, they will leave your home and depend on themselves, and eventually their own significant other. This is the natural way. What’s left in your own household? YOUR significant other. It really is a simple concept. Your children only have something to gain by you putting your significant other (spouse) first. They see a healthy relationship that is a priority and how to maintain that relationship. They will then mimic this behavior in the future.

In summary, if your relationship is lacking, your children will inevitably lack by default. When two people constantly put each other first, their needs are always met, by default their children’s needs are always met. When children are the focal point, the relationship and partner are neglected and the children become neglected due to the time and effort it is taking to repair the relationship.

In the years that I have been counseling and sharing this concept to couples, there has been a 100% success rate of relationship and family recovery. It’s a trickle effect, when the parents are ok and the relationship is not lacking, the children reap the benefits as well. The time and effort that would be put into the relationship for lack of care is then free to focus on the child/ren together. Likewise, in my experience, when I’ve counseled this concept and given the skills and knowledge necessary for implementation and the couple decided against the counseling and information, the relationship inevitably failed in the end and the children were the ones that were neglected the most.

Ultimately, put your significant other first. Always. The statement given by Sherry C. Adams is truth to the letter and I have seen it as proven results in counseling, as well as, in my own relationship.

Big ups and thank you to Sherry C. Adams for speaking the truth to couples!